"The Grapes Are Sour!"

It is a very common phenomenon of our lives that whenever we are unable to do something or when we have little faith in our ability to do something -- when we are scared we might mess it all up -- we tend to categorize that "something" as "sour grapes"! Rather than acknowledge our fears/failures regarding that something, we instead put on this false air of indifference towards that something. We start pretending that we are better off without it!

That's exactly what I have been doing with marriage for the last several years -- because of my own fears related to it!

Whenever anyone asked me about it, I replied -- with the most "devil-may-care" attitude that I could manage -- "Oh! Marriage is not my cup of tea... I am too independent to settle down in a typical 'housewife' role!" Or I would turn my nose up in disgust and exclaim - "Pleeeeaaase! Who wants to live day-in and day-out with a huge balloon... having the letters E-G-O spelled on it in big bold font... ready to burst at the slightest prick!"

Just my different versions of "the grapes are sour"... you know!

A few days ago, I was chatting with a friend on yahoo and was listing the various fears I seemed to have associated with "MARRIAGE" over the years. I don't want to go into all of them here because there are some parts of me which I don't like to make public. Anyway, I'd already decided in Delhi sometime last month that the only way to overcome your fears is to face them head-on. In fact, I think I have mentioned this in one of my previous posts, on this blog.

Haahhh! But look at how the mind tends to delay or postpone that which we fear! Back in Delhi, I decided that I'll start posting my profile on various matrimonial sites AFTER I cleared my SCJP exam! My "escape route" you see. Playing for time, so that the mind could think up some other "excuse" for not having to face its fears!

Then, just a couple of days before I left Delhi for home, I managed to finally get the contact number of an old friend whom I had worked with in Dell Tech Support and whom I hadn't heard from in the last couple of years! Oh by the way, he's also the same guy whose "marriage proposal I accepted" back in early 2003! He he! But that's another story! Coming back to my recent conversation with him... when I told him about my above mentioned plans (of starting the "groom hunt" after clearing the SCJP)... his immediate response was - "Kaddy, your problem is that you keep waiting for things to become perfect first!"

And it was a "Bull's Eye"! A perfect hit! Dead on target!

The truth really is that I HAVE been waiting for things to become perfect in my life first... before I take the plunge! It's almost as if deep-down I believe that my life will come to an end once I get married! And so I want to do everything before I marry! Whatever I have ever wanted to do in my life - personally or professionally - I feel like I must accomplish it all before I tie the knot!

But that's so completely ridiculous, isn't it!

Life doesn't stop after marriage - it just takes a different dimension! You don't stop pursuing your dreams and aspirations - you just get a companion at your side who's a constant witness to your journey and your adventures! You don't stop accomplishing big things - you just don't need to look for a "date" anymore each time, to accompany you to the dinner party that the company has thrown for you, in honor of your achievements!

Ok the last one was a bit too far-fetched! But what I'm trying to say is that do I really need to wait till everything in my life is in perfect order? People usually set their things "in order" when they are about to die. So is marriage synonymous with death?

And even if I DO wait till I've achieved whatever I want to in life before I settle down, what is the guarantee that my "perfect life" might not run into an "earthquake" in the future? That is after I have "taken the rounds" finally!

Besides, what is the definition of "perfect" anyways? What may be perfect for me may be completely wrong for someone else!

Or is it that I feel I have to "make myself salable first"? Is it that I don't consider myself worthy of deserving a life-partner right now? Is it that I feel I won't be able to keep a man happy being the way I am right now? But is it really my job to keep my husband happy? Is it really anyone's responsibility to keep someone else happy? Aren't we all responsible for our own happiness?

And even if I do have a role to play in keeping my family unit intact, then why do I doubt my abilities to do so? Why do I give such a low credit rating to my self-worth? What right do I have to judge anyone -- INCLUDING MYSELF? Who am I to decide that I don't deserve "everlasting love" and a "fulfilling relationship"?

And what exactly is "everlasting love" anyway? Not a single day goes by when my Dad and I don't quarrel about something, but are those quarrels strong enough to kill the "everlasting love" between us? My sister and I have completely different styles of working - she's super careless & I'm super-organized; she hates sitting at home & I rarely go out; she likes to drink Pepsi (for Heaven's sake!) whereas I'm into herbal tea! And yet we have "everlasting love" between us... despite all our differences and the regular fights!

The truth is that all these excuses are just some stupid games that our mind plays on us... to provide a "cover up" to our underlying fears! All around us, we see people proclaiming that they are "not marriage material”… or that they are "not cut out for business"… or they "can't get the hang of modern technology"... blah blah blah! The bottom-line is that we're all simply trying to avoid facing our fears by creating these baseless ideas which we put across as FACTS about ourselves! All nothing but "SOUR GRAPES"!

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Want to Add Something?

Neelabh said...

Why dont you wait(say set a target of some years) so that the grapes turn sweet??

I have set the age <28<30 to get married. hows the idea??

Kaddu said...

Yeah I've set the age now as 31... which is next year! :-D
Let's see...

Shreesh said...

FINALLY ..I see some words n teachings repeated here what we were taught in OU. Just as Bhagwan says ..when god doe'nt judge you why do u judge yourself.

Kaddu said...

"FINALLY" ???? What do u mean "FINALLY"?

U hv been hearing me say these things for over ages now!

Besides this particular teaching is not from OU... it is from "Bhagvad Gita" & "Conversations With God".

Manu Baranwal said...

I thought I had bad habit of waiting to take a parallel step until I make sure my current step is perfect. But after reading this blog I feel it is my weakness or fear which restricts me taking parallel decision.

Kaddu said...

Yup! We all do it... and most of us don't realize it. As one of my blog readers' says - we tend to get accustomed to our comfort zone, our beliefs and patterns, and we try to avoid doing anything that might disturb the status quo.

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