Monday, June 23, 2008

Fear

My sister recently had this most beautiful dream… and unlike me, she never has any dreams at all at night! In that dream, she had her very first encounter with her guardian angel… whereas my dreams still see me struggling with all the “demons” on my own! Even as she was dreaming about receiving help from the Divine, I have been dealing with this one particular childhood memory which just doesn’t seem to make any sense at all!


I was in class 8th that time, and we were visiting my grandparents in Bhopal during the summer holidays. That night we had to catch a train back to Kanpur (we stayed in Kanpur that time). My sister and I had been accommodated in a guestroom on the ground floor of their house, while my parents were in another room on the first floor. I remember the stairs in their house – spiral ones, leading off right from the middle of the hall!

Well, I woke up sometime late that night (or rather, very early the next morning) to find my sister missing from the bed. Looked at the time in my watch – it was way past the time our train was supposed to depart. The house seemed totally silent too – no activity at all. I was gripped by this sudden fear that I had overslept and my folks had all left without me!

I rushed upstairs in a state of severe panic – misjudged the height of the stairs and had a nasty fall! Hit my left knee on the edge of a stair – so hard that I can still feel the dent in my bone there if I rub my finger on that knee!

Anyways, as expected, it was a false alarm. My parents were still in their room upstairs. The train had been delayed. The luggage had already been stashed in the car before they got to know about the delay. And my sister had decided sometime in the middle of the night that she wanted to sleep with our parents for the rest of the night! (Yeah, she’s had a history of doing weird stuff at weird times!)

What doesn’t make any sense in this entire incident is the fact that why would I even remotely believe that my parents would leave me behind and take off on their own without me? I mean, we aren’t talking about just any old couple here who’d been trusted with my care at the time! We are talking about my own parents! And no, I’m not adopted! What kind of a kid would actually believe that his parents would leave him behind sleeping? (It’s not even like we are a litter of 14 kids, which, had it been the case, might have made it a bit hard to keep track of all of us!)

I have been bugging my father for the last 2 days… asking him to try and recollect if anything might have happened earlier in my childhood that has made me so insecure that I didn’t even trust my parents! He hasn’t been able to come up with anything so far, but he does tell me that I would just never leave their side for more than a couple of hours, when I was a kid.

I remember - I even hated going to school till I was in class 5. The slightest excuse and I would be absent! I have always been excellent at studies, but these wonderful remarks in red, regarding my short attendance, were always present in my report card, adding color to it! Oh and over the last few months, I’ve had this amazing realization – if I really REALLY don’t want to do something, and can’t find any other way to get out of doing it, my body makes itself sick! Yeah, really sick! I don’t even have to fake a fever – I get a real one!

Well, I’m still no wiser as to why I’ve always felt so insecure and alone, but I do know this – over the last few days, I’ve been feeling more scared than I ever have in the past! And the worst part is that I don’t even know what I’m so frightened off!

To be honest, I really don’t give a damn about what I’m scared of! I just want to get over it, that’s all! I mean, fears are all just so illogical... I wonder why I always feel I’m so alone and that I have to take care of everything myself!

The last few months (ever since that Teramai-Seichem incident in fact) I have been alternating between “doing” and “asking”. It all started with the concept that if perfect health is my birth right and the most natural state for me to be in, then why should I “work” for it? It should be given to me anyways!

But now, I have started feeling the same way about other things in life too! It’s like this argument is going on inside me – “Did I ask to be born? No, I didn’t. Did I create myself? No, I didn’t. Then why should I work so hard for everything? Why shouldn’t I simply do whatever I enjoy doing and let the entity that created me provide me with the resources to do my job?”

It’s like when I used to work for Dell… I was only responsible for taking calls… it really wasn’t my job responsibility to worry about the cab pickups or the meals or the air-conditioner in the office or the coffee machine! It was the company’s responsibility to provide me with all these facilities which would make me do my job well!

Since that TMS thing, I have been having the same kind of thoughts about life itself. But it’s still at a very conscious level in my mind – hasn’t yet sunk deep into the sub-conscious. Guess all I can do is wait...

You know, patience has also never been a strong point in me, so maybe this whole thing is stretching so painfully to give me a lesson in that as well! Huhhh!

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7 comments:

Devi said...

Hey Kaddy,

I have the same thoughts. Especially about asking to be born, not born in this health, etc. I used to say to my mom why can't I be lazy and not do anything? I didn't ASK to be here! She would reply that life doesn't work this way. Well who made it this way I would wonder?

I still question things that go on around me and in me. Even when doing Reiki sometimes I have doubts..bec it is the questioning and not just allowing that is not freed within my mind.

When I think of all of the karmic software being flung at me I reminisce about Mango. Being a dog, she had tons of karmic software flung at her...to the point of being brought back from near death....yet she was one happy dog.

I forgot where I was going with this....oh so she brought so many things into my life; you, reiki, animal communication, etc that if I just sat around and were lazy like I would love I would have no purpose.

I realized I just truly lost the plot of what I was wanting to say!

Anyway, hope you are well. It's been one year Mango brought us together....maybe its the cappies in us pondering the rest...

Shreesh said...

hey did my last comment come up ..coz the window just dis appeared??

Kaddu said...

@ Dan - Yupp, purpose is important, but staying in perfect health... is that the only purpose of our lives? That is what I've been asking lately. If I keep working only towards my health, then how do I get to do any other thing in life? How do I fulfill my life's purpose - whatever that is? Surely, maintaining health can't be the purpose of our lives! It is our birth right, isn't it? I shouldn't have to work for it.

@ Shreesh - The above is all I got from u.

Shreesh said...

grr ,,i wrote a nice long 5 pointed comment.now remembering it and posting again.grr ..this google acted weired this time..

Devi said...

Man I was having an odd day yesterday and totally lost the plot! HA, til I came back and focused on this. A whole lot of people go through life not worrying about their health and they live long lives. Others who do worry and even try to maintain a decent "health" die young!

I guess you need to define what YOUR health to YOU is. And go from there.

Here is what comes to mind when I read what you wrote above; "Our body is our temple and we need to care for it accordingly." I never got this or even cared about it until I was where I am now or a year ago. So I guess in order to keep our temple pure we need to do all we can for it. There are limits as to what one can do. I say all of the time I need to take better care of myself but I don't complete the full task.

Maybe work towards small things with your health and other things along side and reach those goals in small steps.

I think of my mom who died of lung cancer, which could have been prevented, and I think of Mango who died of bladder cancer that was due to conditioning and surroundings. So you need to define what good health is and maintain. Just as we are born and grow, learn, get educated, etc yea I guess health comes with it...but its what we perceive. No way am I gonna get up at 5.00am and go jog 5 miles like my neighbor does!

And I guess I read health and thought of Mango's and how she didn't work for it or again'st it but was still up and running with it being there. But as I said as well, remember what is happening to you now with your questioning and thoughts...it is the software being flung at you...sift through it and you will get there. Remember what we call reality really isn't REAL-ity.

Kaddu said...

Ahhh haaaahhhh! Google saved me! WOW! :D My guardian angels sure seem to be working! :D

Kaddu said...

@ Dan - Boy! That was a bit heavy! :) Right now I'm more focussed on taking life lightly! :) As for software or hardware... well, as u said... nothing is REAL. :) Thanks for taking the time out to type all this though. :)

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